To post... Or not to post...

I've debated for a long, LONG time on whether or not I wanted to talk about this.

SO... Here I am, sick to my stomach, scared to death...

But it needs to happen.

This may be all over the place, so I apologize in advance.

(BIG DEEP BREATH)

Infertility

(I'm not posting this because I want sympathy. I really don't want sympathy. I am okay. I'm a lot stronger despite what people think. I am sharing because if someone reading this is going through the same thing, feel free to talk to me. I'm here!)

I wouldn't necessarily call Kaden & myself infertile, but I would definitely say that we are struggling at having another baby. The doctors that we have talked to haven't said that its impossible for us to have kiddo #2. But, there definitely have been a few bumps in the road. It's honestly such a hard thing to go through. I can honestly say that I was the person who always said, "It will never happen to me, there is no way that it's not possible for someone to not be able to have kids." But, in reality... Infertility is a big issue. Now that we are going through it, I  hear more & more stories of people struggling. I honestly didn't realize that it could happen. Like I said, at this point I wouldn't call us infertile, but STRUGGLING would be the best way to describe it. For those of you that have been through what we are going through... A gold star from me to you. I seriously look up to you & admire you.

If you have been through infertility, you know just how freaking hard it is. It is a DANG EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER. That is the best way to describe infertility. Everyone tells you, "It happens when you stop trying" or "Don't stress, it'll happen". But, lets be honest... HOW CAN I NOT STRESS? It's on my mind constantly and every month that stupid little negative sign shows up... It's stressful and it HURTS. Also, when does a couple really stop trying? You can say "Oh we are just gonna focus on us and not really try anymore" -- Seriously? Biggest lie...EVER. Even when you say that, you know for a fact, every time you are thinking "Maybe this is our lucky day!"

I do have to give a shout out to my husband though, he's a freaking gem. I hit the jackpot meeting Kaden. With everything that has been going on, he's been nothing but 100% there for me and the strong one in our relationship. I'm not going to lie. I have been an emotional mess for awhile now. We have been trying to have baby #2 for over a year now. I didn't really let it worry me until we hit about 10-11 months of trying & still nothing. Now, it's basically consuming my life. With all the tears & the questions of "why is this happening to us" -- Kaden has been there for me every step of the way. Believe me when I say there were a ton of tears & tantrums from me. Along with the tears and tantrums, there have been crazy hormones that go with the medicine I am taking. SO... thank you, thank you, thank you to my sweet husband. I'd be absolutely lost without you & I'm blessed to have you forever. I LOVE YOU!

To: ALL THE WOMEN EXPECTING

I am TRULY happy for you all. Seeing your pregnancy posts makes me very excited for you. I love to see all the different ideas that you come up with, in hopes that sometime in the future it'll be myself posting an announcement and that you will be excited for me. I am never ever bitter or upset with you personally. My feelings though? It's sooo hard and I definitely struggle every single time I see a pregnancy announcement. Why me? Why can't that be Kaden & I? I won't lie either. That's definitely a moment that I cry my eyes out. But, as far as being mad at you or pissed that you're pregnant... Not a chance. I am genuinely happy for you & your family. You truly deserve it. 

The only time that I get pissed about someone being pregnant is if they aren't happy about it. I truly believe that if God sends you a baby, it was meant to be. You are supposed to have that child. If you aren't supposed to have the child, maybe then God is sending you a baby to help another family. If you are pregnant, please PLEASE just be happy about it. I'm sure there are quite a few people around you (including myself) wishing that they were in your shoes. 

To: EVERYONE TELLING ME TO HAVE BABY #2
I know, I know! I want baby #2 just as bad as you do, I promise. So does Jaxson. I'm pretty sure Jaxson asks me on a daily basis when mommy will bring him a baby brother or sister. When you tell me "It's time" or "When are we gonna see another baby". I'm not ignoring your comments. I see them. Until now, I just haven't really wanted to talk about it or tell you that we truly are trying. We want another baby. It's just not in God's plan right now. Now, when I tell you this... I'm not upset that you want us to have another baby or that you're telling me it's time. I love so much that you guys all think we are ready for another one or that you want to see another baby Kulland. Again though, trust me when I say. ME TOO. We want baby #2.

 Okay, here's where this post gets a little deep... So, sorry in advanced if you think I am crazy. Kaden's grandma passed away a few weeks ago. What an amazing woman she was. I am so blessed to have known her for the past couple years. Grandma Shirley will seriously be missed. Anyway, a few nights after she passed away I had a dream about her. In my dream I woke up to Shirley sitting at the foot of mine & Kaden's bed. She wanted me to tell everyone that she was okay & was no longer in anymore pain. She then told me that I didn't need to worry anymore because she has my baby with her and everything will work out. Shortly after that I woke up from my dream. I know, I know. I know what you are thinking "It was just a dream" or "you sound like you're in an episode from Long Island Medium". But, seriously... After I woke up from the dream I felt so much peace. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders immediately. 

Yes, I still want baby #2 ASAP. Yes, everything that I have mentioned above is true. Struggling at having a baby is HARD. Seeing pregnancy announcements doesn't get easier. But, what I did get from "my dream" was faith. I've always had faith in the Lord that this was just a trial that Kaden & I must go through. But, after that dream... The amount of faith I had was insane. I'm still worried about the future. I mean... who wouldn't be? But, I know that whether I get pregnant orrrr we adopt. Everything will happen for a reason. I DO still have faith that I will eventually become pregnant. But as for now, we are just talking to specialists, praying daily & seeing what our next move will be. 

Like I said earlier. I don't need sympathy or for anyone to feel bad for me. The best thing to do for someone going through? Just give them a hug & let them know you are there for them.

 

Thanks for reading.

Enjoy!